Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Stupid Little Gum

I chew a lot of gum. The mint is refreshing. The cinnamon is lively, a little prodding. The bubble gum flavor harkens back to the days when I wore knickers. . . .

I'm sorry; did I actually say that out loud? It's not like I wore ladies' underwear or anything. Maybe the stretchy work-out kind once in a while. To prevent chaffing.


I'm tired of the gum. It's all small pieces, flavor that lasts about 12 minutes, and so much packaging that I have to use a staple remover to get to the tiny space-food-lookin' pieces. I end up chewing about 8 pieces at a time to maintain any remotely fullfilling mouth-feel. I end up wrestling with this huge mass of jaw-cringing nastiness that after about 4 minutes retains only a piddling lukewarm trickle of the Arctic Chill I'm promised.

The sad thing is that the packaging and the advertisements promise so much more:

ICE: "There's nothing colder than ice." You're right. But this is gum. And it blows.

Orbit: Look at me, I'm doing 5 G's in my frickin' mouth with this space-age gum, ma! Screw you, Wrigley's.

Juicy Fruit: I'm so juicy! I'm so juicy! Yeah, you're full of sugar, big guy. And, while I admit you're somewhat mystically fruity flavor is appealing, I'm still left with a tan-grey asteroid of rubber in my mouth 10 minutes later.

I'd settle for a bag of Big League Chew--despite the sugar and the 30-second flavor burst that burns out to nothing--just for something interesting. But, alas, I can't find it anywhere. And can you see me in my knickers jamming a palm full of shredded bubble gum in my cheek? Pink shreds falling everywhere.

Even the excruciatingly artificial grape of a massive cargo-container chunk of Bubbalicious would beat the crap out of one of these weak, "flavor charged!" "just-brushed-clean-feeling," "look how pretty and smooth and hard-shelled I am" niblets of glory.

Screw you, gum makers.



Blogger ajmac said...

Wow. Remind me never to piss you off over something important.

4:42 PM  

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